DL5: Fear Fucks

What a month. I managed to twist both ankles on Halloween (one very minor, one less minor). Safety lesson, remember to be careful on the way to your vehicle if you turn your porch light off to drive away trick-or-treaters. The twisted ankle that bruised up like an old pear kept me from being as physically active as I’d gotten used to. This removed one of my anxiety management tools right before a presidential election that didn’t help the swelling waves of fear. Thankfully, I have an arsenal of tools now and wasn’t completely off my rocker (exceptions aside).

Scatterbrained, but productive, is a decent description of my month. I wrote some quality words, but not a lot of new words specifically pertaining to Part 1 of Plenum. Looking back over my first year applying myself to writing again (without the external motivation that spurred me earlier in life), I’m happy with where I’m ending up as a starting point to build on. I’ve never been very productive, so hitting 50K words by 12/9/2024 will feel great. I probably wrote a few hundred words at most in the preceding year (decade). I’ve always been envious of the NanoWriMo crew knocking out thousands of words in a week, and hitting 50K in a month, but it hasn’t been my experience so far. Maybe next year!

May was a stand-out month I assumed was aided by a solo beach trip, but that was mostly June. May was the month I completed the first draft of Part 1 and put it up on itch, so having goals to work toward seems helpful. My intent was to write something every day, with a minimum goal of 100 words. I wrote something 121 out of 349 days so far, around a 35% hit rate. Now I have a baseline to beat for next year.

While I’m talking tracking and numbers (that darn day job keeps butting in), another goal that I track to overcome stasis is live performances attended. In my mid-thirties, increasingly sedentary, I realized I didn’t enjoy going to a rock concert anymore because standing for hours was uncomfortable and I initially chalked it up to age and thought that part of my life was behind me. The COVID lockdown made me realize how much I valued live music, and along with my father’s death in early 2021, motivated me to make healthier choices and refuse to give up on live music. 

In 2021, when my job took me back on monthly business trips, I returned to live music as well and saw 22 sets across 7 shows and 1 festival. 2022: 27 sets across 12 shows. 2023: 61 sets across 12 shows and 2 festivals. 2024: 69 sets across 20 shows and 1 festival.

I bought tickets to shows I didn’t end up going due to social anxiety or just plain lack of energy, but as the music increased, my weight and alcohol intake decreased, and now I have no doubt unseated live music will continue to be part of my life.

But back to writing and this development update. I nibbled a bit at the 3 goals I had for November, but don’t feel like I took a full bite anywhere. Instead I wrote essays about random memories as they surfaced and sat in the sun on my hammock as much as possible reading and scribbling in my notebook.

I added a safety node to warn the player they’d missed the first branch story and let them return if they desired or push forward.

I read disordered chunks out loud and did line edits, always surprised at the little things I miss over and over as the rough spots calcify in my brain.

I contemplated the cycle of abuse, across generations of family, within relationships, and how I’ve perpetuated it within and without in my own life.

I signed up for therapy (again) and volunteer work to help push myself beyond myself.

I seethed with anger.

I wallowed in guilt and shame.

I set up butler and started loading builds to itch more efficiently.

I fixed bugs introduced in haste and adjusted dates using my very helpful timeline.

I sat at a bar after my annual physical and used screenshots and mark-up text to make edit notes for myself to implement later, lowering the bar for unplanned productivity.

I’m still planning on moving forward and leaving Part 1 for now at year’s end, because I feel like moving forward will help with going back. The best ideas always end up poking out from the peripheral while I’m focused on something else, and I refuse to be caught in the quicksand of desired perfection where everything I do drags me further away from the “big picture” goal of actually finishing this damn thing. I like where I’m at and I’m looking forward with excitement to beginning the process of piecing together Part 2, giving me the opportunity to revisit 3 or 4 more old stories and continue the road trip trunk narrative driving my poor characters southward.